Some more quotes from some other books

"Wuthering Heights" by Emily Bronte:

"What were the use of my creation if I were entirely contained here? My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning; my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the Universe would turn to a mighty stranger. I would not seem a part of it. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees - my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath - a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff-he's always, always in my mind - not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself - but as my own being-"
This, said by a lady, married to a man named Linton, talking of her childhood love, Heathcliff - two people thrown together and away from all else in the initial days of their conscious life.

"Scarlet Pimpernal" by Baroness Emmuska Orczy":

"He seemed to worship me with a curious intensity of concentrated passion, which went straight to my heart. I had never loved any one before and I was four-and-twenty then - so I naturally thought it was not in my nature to love. But it has always seemed to me that it MUST be HEAVENLY to be loved blindly, passionately, wholly... worshipped, in fact - and the very fact that he was slow and stupid was an attraction for me, as I thought he would love me all the more. A clever man would naturally have other interests, an ambitious man other hopes... I thought that a fool would worship me, and think of nothing else. And I was ready to respond, to allow myself to be worshipped, and give infinite tenderness in return... "
This, said by a lady justifying why she married a man she thought to be a fool.

Quotes from "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens

Hereforth, I quote a few sentences from some of the books that I have read that have impressed me a great deal. Make no mistake for I am no literary critic, I just enjoy a wide range of books in my own simple way.

"A picture is worth a thousand words" it is said but creating a picture in one's mind with those thousand words seems to me to be no easy task. Hence, I savour it when done and the quotes that I speak of are some such.

Today's book of interest: "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens

"A man of a strong resolution and a set purpose; a man not desirable to be met, rushing down a narrow pass with a gulf on either side, for nothing would turn the man."
This, describing a man of great will and determination.

"The faintness of the voice was pitiable and dreadful. It was not the faintness of physical weakness. Its deplorable peculiarity was that it was the faintness of solitude and disuse. It was like the last and feeble echo of a sound made long and long ago. So entirely had it lost the life and resonance of the human voice, that it affected the senses like a once beautiful colour faded away into a poor weak stain. So sunken and suppressed it was, that it was like a voice underground. So expressive it was, of a hopeless and lost creature, that a famished traveller, wearied out by lonely wandering in a wilderness, would have remembered home and friends in such a tone before lying down to die."
This, describing a prisoner shut in solitary confinement for years together - a prisoner convicted of crimes he had never commited, a prisoner who was once a honourable man earning his honest bread, a prisoner separated from his wife he had loved so dearly and a daughter unborn.

Anger – A tempting opportunity to destroy self

I know I am not perfection personified and am not sure I want to get there either but there is one weakness in me which has affected me more than all others put together and that, I want to get rid of – Anger. It has not pushed me to doom so far, the sole reason being that the people who really matter have been forgiving and accommodating of me. Every time I strayed the wrong way, they have had the heart to give me “just one more chance”. It frightens me to sit back and think just how soon these chances would exhaust and how far have I pushed their tolerance.

Time and again, I get hold of one of these soul-cleansing articles or books, hoping to purge my soul but as happens with most such articles, the words and their intent are completely lost on me. I read them cover-to-cover and store every word in my mind but don’t really process any of it, not until one fine day when a bolt from the sky strikes me and every thing I have ever read or been told comes back to me and starts making a whole lot of sense. One such bolt struck me a few days back as I sat by the window in my office bus on my way home. My mind was wandering back and forth all over my memory lane recalling several incidents where in I had lost complete control of myself and let anger take over me. I was shocked as I realized that I had exposed my weaknesses to perfect strangers and was shamelessly expecting them to sympathize with me. I had emerged none the winner, just an empty, bitter and helpless feeling in my heart. It happened far too often and I was tired. I needed a way out of this agony - agony it is for a self-respecting person to feel helpless. I closed my eyes, imagined myself avenging all those who had apparently wronged me but the same helpless feeling threatened me. Then the bolt and all the words of advice I was ever given came back to me in a gush, processed and full of meaning – “Do not let anger overwhelm you. Tame it and use it to your purpose.”

I analyzed all those incidents in this new light. I put myself in the “wrong-doers’” place and realized that he/she never saw what I was seeing. They had a whole new outlook and if I thought mine was right, it was my duty to reason out and show them why. Instead, I had screamed at them, insulted them and hurt their self-respect and in the process, made them close their minds to me. I had forgotten that the other person had as much self-respect as me and would be as protective of it as I was of mine. I wouldn’t care for a person who insults me, why should another? There is also another aspect – the “wrong-doers” are part of a situation. Avenging one person or another cannot solve the problem because there would be yet another to take his/her place. I must equip myself against the situations. The knowledge of progressive steps towards the goal drives out the helpless feeling, if not success itself and to keep myself progressing, all I need to do is recall my anger. Currently, anger has stopped playing “fire” in my life and has taken the role of “fuel”.

It hasn’t been too long since this learning but it is there for now and I wish it stays with me for long.

How Was Your Day?

At the end of a hard day’s work, when we reach home, we tend to expect undivided attention from our family. It is quite natural too. We expect them to welcome us with a smile and “How was your day?” on their lips, to turn off the television or render it to our services, supply hot coffee and snacks to our mouths and await our next orders. I know none of us want to be the ones doing these things but more often than not end up doing it anyways. It is basic human tendency to first think of ourselves and only then turn our attention to others but, some of these small, supposedly inconsequential behaviors of ours lead to substantially big problems. So, a small amount of conscious effort must be put into suppressing these basic instincts.

For a starter, we must try giving to people what we expect from them. At the end of a hard day’s work, let us smile and ask our family at home “How was your day?” Let us not be deceived that staying at home all day would hardly warrant such a question. They might not have faced pressure in terms of meeting deadlines, interacting with irrational colleagues or arranging funds for that housing loan but something much more subtle and hard to pin-point. For e.g., a non-working mother who had given up her career to bring up her children and now feels wasted, a retired father who feels lost without his job or a teenage sibling going through his/her first heart-break. It might be easy for us to say these are just passing phases, but let’s stand back and think for a while – would we not have expected support if we were going through these phases? We definitely would have expected someone to come and sit by us and ask us how we are feeling. These kinds of problems are often not expressed by anyone voluntarily, for fear of being called a looser and suppressed even more fiercely when faced with a seemingly unconcerned person. This obviously does more harm than help because these feelings are then vented out as anger on anyone and everyone for no apparent reason and anger has never been known to result in anything pleasant.

So, let us keep a watch on our loved ones and show them we care. Let us put ourselves aside for a while and ask them “How Was Your Day?”

Happiness – Is it lost?

I was reading one of those hundreds of articles in the newspaper, condemning the lifestyle of a software engineer. 12-14hrs of being glued to a computer, absolutely no physical activity, long travel hours and nerve-wrecking work pressure are just a few of the evils. A software engineer has all the money he/she could want but no personal life. If a married couple involves both partners being software professionals then God help them; Meeting almost only over weekends and that too spent sleeping, washing clothes or being glued to the idiot box. On the whole, pitiable, monotonous and unworthy are what would surmise a software engineer’s life.

Now, I go back a few years, to my parents’ generation and think of the lifestyle they led. Most middle-class men and women, the same economic class to which the lower rung of the software professionals belong, worked in factories or mills. The working hours were approximately 9hrs/day and inflexible, travel times averaged about 2hrs/day and just a single day off per week. More often than not, that single day off was spent standing in queues in banks or shopping for weekly groceries and an occasional visit to a relative’s house. With all the in-laws, relatives and children to cater to, the husbands and wives rarely got time to talk to each other. Hotels and movies were rare to come by owing to tight budgeting for future savings. Thus proceeding, when the parents finally retired to relax and spend time with family, the kids were all grown and gone.

Going a few more years back, to our grand-parents’ generation – Most of the middle-class had their earning members in government offices or working as farmers. All the money earned went into providing for the bare minimum necessities for the huge families. A sickness in the house and there was no guarantee all the members of the family would sail through safe. The father spent every moment of his waking hours earning for the family and the mother, locked up in the kitchen, cooking. There would be no one to guide the children except ill-informed grand-parents. More often than not, a child or two went astray but the parents would realize it too late for reform.

And now, coming back to our generation, aren’t the software engineers in a much better situation? With just a little planning of time, the happiness quotient can be increased ten-fold compared to our previous generations. A maximum of 6-7hrs of dedicated effort per day is all that is needed at the work front. The rest of the day is all ours!!! Spending an hour with the family in the mornings – yoga, jogging, sports or just taking a walk around the park; Spouses finding common interests(cooking, reading, singing, dancing) and spending an hour on it together in the evenings; Reducing office travel times by renting houses as near to the work places as possible – These are just a few ways to make our lives that wee bit better.

Personally, I feel, every generation has/had its opportunities for happiness. The trick is to grab the opportunities!

A Tender Memory

So often in life, we are thrown together with people we have never known before and forced to interact with them, work with them, help them or accept favors from them. Some such people we forget the moment situation permits us to but some, we remember all our lives. They leave a mark on our hearts; a tender feeling their memories arouse. A protective clasp when you were about to fall, a sympathetic ear when you most needed it but least expected, a calm advice when your mind was in turmoil – a moment of bonding preserved and cherished forever. It’s not friendship and it’s not love – may be just a gift from Him to tell us he is thinking of us!

Far Away from Home....

Its been close to eight months since I left home and came to the US of A. I mention here the USA because it takes away from me the privilege of heading home whenever I feel like as opposed to another place in India. All on my own for the first time - all the decisions mine, all the responsibilities mine, all the rights mine and all the wrongs mine too. All the time I lived with my parents, they made the decisions for me or influenced me a great deal in making them. If something went wrong, I had them to point a finger at and wash my hands off any guilt. Away from home, I have no one to fall back on with my little worries and baseless fears. A tussle with colleagues and no one to hear me crib about it. The AC in my room makes weird sounds and makes me get up at all times of the night sweating and assured of seeing a blood covered ghost in front of me - no one to switch on the lights and drive away my fears. When I return from office, I have here, the television, the computer and the most comfortable corner of the sofa all for myself. These are perks, back home, I would get after winning a wrestling match with my brother. It strikes me that it was the wrestling I enjoyed more than the prize nominated for it.

I came here because I wanted my space un-encroached, my thoughts un-influenced, my time un-demanded and my identity under the sun. I got them all and more - I got to know my priorities in life. I know now the importance of family and being together. Those trivial words exchanged over a cup of coffee cannot be made up for by a phone call a week. A timely word of confidence, a knowing smile, a hearty hug and the pleasure of being needed - a few things that make life worth living and found no where else but at home . I don’t repent coming here and neither do I vow to never leave home again. I will fly again and yet again until all my feathers fall apart but for now, its time to go home, to the safety and warmth of my nest.

Look At Me, I Exist!

A few days back, I went up to one of my colleague's desk to get some clarifications on a certain technical issue. It happened that another colleague presented himself there at the same time as me and also on the same subject as mine. I took the privilege of articulating the question for both of us to our esteemed colleague who held the precious solution. The answer, I did get but I was not content; I was rather irritated. Any guesses as to why? I will tell you why - it was because that person did not look at me while answering. I had posed the question to him but he persistently looked at the other person. I posed further questions to him but I was not granted as much as a glance from this supreme being all the while he spoke. By the end of the meeting, I was convinced there was something terribly wrong with me. I went to the restroom and checked myself in the mirror; there was nothing amiss. I then retrospected on the questions I had asked to find anything silly or stupid in them; there was nothing of that sort either, at least not as far as I could see. I consulted that other colleague who was present in the meeting to confirm I was not off the mark at any point and he too assured that I had made perfect sense. I brooded over it for a few more moments and failing to arrive at any conclusion, left it at that. After a few days, it happened again with another colleague and then again with another. I collected all these incidents in my mind and tried to find what had gone wrong. A lot of depression and contemplation later, I realized that nothing was wrong with me, whatever was wrong was with these colleagues of mine. These people who made me feel unsure and almost ashamed of myself were in fact the ones utterly lacking in self-confidence. They were the ones who had no control over their minds and hence all the time afraid that looking at me would cause them to go astray. The people who had made me feel guilty of my own existence were in fact the guilty ones. A cultured mind is one that respects a fellow human being and acknowledges him/her with due regard. Not looking at a person when addressing him/her is the worst form of insult that can be meted out to a self-respecting being and the worst sort of manners that can be possessed by a civilized person.

To be ordinary - is it wrong?

It is 10`o’ clock in the night when Sanju enters the dining room of his house to get a gulp of water. His parents are discussing something animatedly. Too tired to enter into any serious conversation, Sanju chooses to ignore them and return to his bedroom with the water bottle. His father calls after him “Arrey Sanju, come here kid.” “What is it dad? Can’t we talk tomorrow? I am too sleepy now.” Sanju ventures. To this, his father commands “Come here Sanju, its about your future.” Sanju has just finished his 12th standard board exams the day before. He had slogged for two whole years, attending coaching classes, crash courses on how to present in the exams and forgetting all about his cricket and volley ball. Today’s movie was his first in about six months. Nevertheless, 10`o’ clock in the night and sleep overpowering him, Sanju sits down to discuss his future. “Sanju, me and your father have been discussing what would be the best career option for you and what entrance test you should write” his mother says. Sanju immediately replies “Oh, I have my career goals all chalked out. I have been preparing for the NDA exams as well all along. I will apply for it and am hopeful of getting through it. And then, I will study aeronautical engineering and then into the Indian Airforce as a ground engineer.” “Listen Sanju, stop acting like a kid and start thinking seriously about your career.” “Dad, I am serious. I have put a lot of effort in preparing for the NDA exams and my school volley ball and cricket has helped in my physical fitness. I think I can get through it successfully” “Sanju, you idiot, army is not as glamourous as your movies make it to be.” “Dad, I am not going there for glamour, I am going to study engineering there too but with the bonus of serving my country.” “Patriotic nonsense! You are going to write entrance tests for both medical and engineering and then going for either MBBS or engineering depending on your marks. I would prefer you go for computer science engineering, it is low investment and 100% guaranty of a job too. Moreover, that is what everyone is doing now-a-days.” “But I don’t want to do whatever others do.” “You are no Bill Gates or Dhirubhai Ambani to create your own way. Now don’t argue and do what I tell you. That is my final word.” Sanju badly wants to go for NDA but his father’s words somehow takes away his earlier conviction and confidence from him and he succumbs. Thus was decided Sanju’s career goal. Four years of slogging later, Sanju predictably lands in an MNC offering a fat pay check and lots of onsite opportunities. What fool could reject this - a tensionless life, dreams of owning nike shoes, laptops and ipods all coming true in a jiffy. Two or three years of this life and Sanju suddenly remembers his dream of serving his country. Let alone serve his country, he has made none other than himself and his parents happy. Yes, he now has everything his parents had struggled for all their lives. He has made their dreams come true but forgotten his own. Whose fault is it? His parents’? Of course not! His parents just wanted to see him happy. Moreover, the dreams that Sanju has fulfilled were probably not their dreams either. His parents might have gone through the same sleepy conversations and forced decisions as Sanju. May be, there were suppressed dreams in their eyes too. For whatever reason, Sanju is here where he is, living a life that is no one’s dream. So, what should Sanju do now? Regret, feel ashamed of himself or learn to make decisions now that his life is his? All of us would agree on the later but how easy is it? Never having been given the freedom to make decisions, how confident could Sanju feel of reigning his life all by himself? The easier route would beckon like the witch’s toffee house to continue the life of money and frivolous pleasures. What’s more, he even knows the toffee house has real toffees and not bewitched ones like the ones in the story. Sanju is a good human being but an ordinary one though. He cannot retrace his steps from this life of security and hence makes an ordinary decision - he takes the route to the toffee house but also decides to share his toffees. He adopts an orphaned child, educates it, loves it and nurtures it to lead a decent life which it would probably have been denied if not for him.
There were other ways Sanju could have shared his toffees. He chose this way; we could choose one of the others. Not all of us have the conviction and vision of Kiran Bedi nor are we as selfless as Mahatma Gandhi or Mother Teresa but we can still be good human beings. There still are faces we can bring smiles to without losing our smiles. So ordinary beings, lets not be ashamed of being ordinary but be good in our own ordinary way!

An Encounter with Snow!

An encounter with snow – that’s what I would like to call my first skiing experience. Being from south India and never having strayed out, I had not seen snow before; at least not until this January when I found myself in Minneapolis – one of the coldest places in USA. And after having seen the snow, I had to have my rendez-vous with it. Skiing, of course, was the obvious answer. Whew! How I dreamt of gliding effortlessly for miles and miles over the white snow covered mountains. I begged, pleaded, bribed and threatened my friends and colleagues to take me skiing.
One fine Sunday morning, I was finally there! One of my friends was bragging that he would learn it in no time; another friend, who had done it once before, was saying it was not as simple as it seemed; and I was getting all worked up. I had to learn this sport in 6hrs of classes, before I got back to India and probably never return again! The rental guy gave me a pair of huge metal boots. I squeezed my feet in – the boots were a size too small and cramped my feet but I was too nervous and excited to ask for an exchange. I took my skis and went out to the instructor. He taught us to clip our skis on and then first to slide with one ski on and then another and then both. All through, the coach was giving me special attention and telling me it was not a big deal and that I would learn it eventually, everyone did!! He kept telling me to smile; I think my nervousness was too obvious on my face. Anyways, it was good so far. After this, he taught us to climb a little up the hill. We were supposed to bring our skis in a V-shape while walking up to prevent sliding backwards. I kept placing one ski over another and tumbling down and when not doing that, I would completely forget about the V-shape and glide down the hill backwards. There were all learners on that small hill and all trying hard to get up the hill. Now, when I slid down backwards, everyone else behind me would loose control and slide down too - tandem effect. Somehow having climbed a decent slope, I tried skiing downwards. Well, you wouldn’t want to call it skiing, just tried coming down with my skis on. Sometimes, I would slide a bit and then tumble down and some other times I would just walk down. Anyways, at the end of my first class, I hadn’t managed to do more than walk down a small slope with my skis on. Also, the instructor had transferred me to another one because the rest of his students had progressed a little too ahead of me and I needed “special” attention.
After a week, I went for my second class – I told them I hadn’t progressed much in the first class but I guess they did not get a correct picture of how far behind I was and put me in with the other students. This time they took us up a bigger hill by a ski-lift. All the way up I was thinking there would be some small slope on the other side of the hill where I would be given “special” attention while all the others went down the steep slope on this side. Anyways, I had no idea how to get off a ski lift, that part was done when I was separated from the usual class to get my “special” attention class, and so did my tumbling down stunt. Now comes the nightmare - there was no other side to the hill and I was to ski down with the others on the steep slope. I reminded the instructor that I was lagging behind but he again failed to understand and asked me to just relax and follow the others. I followed the others, relaxed or otherwise. In two seconds, I met a fence surrounding a few trees in my way. I did not know how to turn or how to stop and hence proceeded and gave it a violent hug. Thus embracing the fence, I hung on waiting for the rescue mission to arrive. The instructor finally arrived and helped me on to my skis. By now, he had understood what I was trying to tell him and how bad I was but it was too late – I was atop the hill and the only way to come down was to ski and I did not know skiing! Nevertheless, he thought of a brilliant idea to get me down from there. He held his ski poles in front of him horizontally with both hands and asked me to hold on to it too in the same way. He would then slide backwards and me, facing him, slide forwards. Well, I showed him it was not as simple as he thought it was. The gravitational force made its presence felt and I lost my grip on the ground. This time, I added a little more style to my tumbling down stunt - I fell flat on my back and between the instructor’s legs; the poor guy had to balance himself on a steep slope with his legs stretched out 150 degrees wide and his back facing his destiny. We were in this position for a few seconds before another instructor decided to come to our rescue. Thus rescued and supported by two brave instructors, I managed to get to the bottom of the hill. I was now transferred to another instructor, the third one, who took me back to the smaller hill. The adventures continued on this small hill too but I guess I have given a fair idea for anyone to imagine what ensued. But, let me assure you one thing and not leave to your imagination – I have not given up. I have another class next week and I am up to it! Say, hats off to my courage??? Well, I guess it should be three cheers to the brave instructors who risked their sanity to teach me skiing. What say?
[update 28JAN2007] I did ski finally!!!!!!!! hurray!!!

My First Crush

I had my first crush when I was in 4th standard; it might have been earlier but this is as far as my memory can go. It was a warm summer day in Warangal and the time of the day when Mr.Sun was trying to exhaust all his energy resources before going to sleep. The classroom classes for the day were all over and it was time for extra-curricular activities. I was in the school ground for my gymnastics class. The coach was teaching us a new movement, Air Cartwheel, where in you are supposed to take a run up, go head down, legs up and spread wide in the air with hands clasped to your chest. For the 3 seconds you are in air, no part of your body is supposed to touch the ground and you must pretend to be a cart-wheel. I was working hard on this. I had taken four chances but still hadn’t managed to keep my hands off the ground. And then on the fifth attempt, I had successfully managed to get the movement right and was about to land on my feet when a ball hit me. I lost my balance; fell off the exercise mat and onto the hard ground. I squatted there, nursing my injured leg and covered in mud, sweat and a little blood. Now enters the hero - the boy who had thrown that ball. He comes up to me, panic on his face, and apologizes – less for concern of me and more for reducing my chances of complaining to the coach. I fell for him then and there; well, I had literally fallen, head over heals in love! I sat there, staring at him, mouth open and face locked in a confused expression of pain and anger suddenly converting to love and admiration. Mom had taught, just the other day, how to respond when someone says sorry. I bet she had, it was a very simple sentence, just two or three words. Ooooooh, what was it? I blurted “thank you”. Thank you? He picked up the ball and ran away. Wow, now I remember – I should have said “Its ok” and that with a pleasant smile on my face. I had practiced it too. For the next few days, I kept my eyes wide open and found him standing in the fifth column and two rows in front of me in the assembly. It was a convenient position for me to throw stealthy glances at him and it also meant, he was in fourth standard too, B section. A few days later, I had my lucky day! My telugu teacher asked me to go to his section and get someone’s telugu notes. Oh my God, dreams do come true! With what eagerness, I sprinted from my class to his class, rehearsing my dialogue a hundred times in my mind. I could not afford to fumble this time. Not everyone gets a second chance after all. I found him seated in the middle row; walked up to him importantly and said “Sir wants your telugu notes. Can you please lend it?” Yes! I got it right – the dialogue and the expression both - yes, yes, yes. I continued the glances and trips to his class through out the year, never managing to exchange more than a few words and all on official topics – notes and subjects. And then on the last day of the final examination, he walked to up to me and said “Hi Chitra, will you…” I was playing hide and seek and was standing behind that pillar trying to hide from the catcher. I was caught! He again said “sorry” and went away. It was time for the bus and I went away too – dreams never come true! The summer vacation started the next day; life was so cruel.
After two months, I went to school again – a proud middle-schooler now. No uniform on the first day of school and no assembly too. I was sitting in my new class, making paper balls and throwing at people in the front bench. A cute guy I had never seen before walked into the class and sat next to me….